Days go on..

I haven't had a chance to write about Pierson just yet, but I will soon enough.
Most days are easier then what I remember 4 years ago. But even after 4 years their are still hard days. Maybe its because I have not lost just 1 baby but in reality I have lost 2 babies. Addison still sits heavy on my heart. Not sure why her more then Pierson. Maybe its because I was able to love her for 28 weeks, I built a future with her. I wanted her so badly, that to this day it hurts, still.. Drs after drs showing no hope, I was the one that held onto that hope. I wanted so badly to prove those drs wrong.
When I lost Pierson at just 14 weeks to the same thing Addison had, I felt almost like a closure for me. I held on to so much guilt and so many questions that never were answered after Addison died. Even though I knew I didn't do anything to Addison to cause her condition, doesn't mean I never felt like I didn't. I always wondered, was it me? Once we found out Pierson had the same condition, my shoulders relaxed and I realized I truly didn't do anything. I wasn't happy to find out that this was in fact genetic but it answered soooo many questions I had.
Today, is a day where I sit back and wonder what life would have been if Addison was here, and also what it would be like if Pierson was here. Its such a weird thing because I have 2 healthy and 2 in heaven but am I a family of 4? Would I have had 4 kids if Addison was born. Would their ever been a Iva or even Pierson? These are the questions that can torment me. I'm so thankfully for my spunky Iva, but without Addison I don't think I would have ever had a Iva. Without a Iva I would have never had a Pierson..
Life can be confusing, and much more confusing when you have 2 babies in heaven. My heart hurts today, even after 4 years without Addison and 7 months after Pierson.