What was our last ultrasound..

The night before we went into our 28 week ultrasound, was the first for Carl and the last for me to ever feel Addison move again. I was lying in bed, and Carl and I were watching T.V and all of Addison was moving all over the place, like she was flipping in my belly. Her movements started to slow down alot previously; I think her swelling was taking its toll on her little body at this point. When I first had the access amount of amniotic fluid around 25 weeks, she was really enjoying it in there. She was swimming, literally and she was taking full advantage of it. The last appt at 26 weeks we went in she was tiny, only measuring at the 8^th percentile and that was with her swelling, I don't think she would have even been on the charts if she didn't have the swelling.

But because she didn't move alot in general this was a huge thing for me and huge thing for Carl to feel her for the first time. I was at that point very nervous about the following day, because we had another ultrasound and I was really hoping she was showing signs of improvement. I was so tired of going to these doctor appts and feeling even more heartbroken then the previous appt. I also was determined to go into the appt demanding they do what I want them to do. I had a notebook with questions I needed to ask and my demands. If they weren't going to listen to me I was going to ask for a doctor that would, what do I pay them for?

We woke up the next day very calm. Carl and I were getting ready and I remember talking to him and we both agreed we felt so calm about this appt. We felt that this appt was going to be good, something happened. We held each others hand the whole way to the hospital, like we usually do and walked in.

I laid on the chair in the little room and the tech put the jelly on me and they started the exam. The second the wand went on me, I new, I just new she passed away. There she was, still, no heartbeat. I could see that the heartbeat we always saw and heard was no longer beating. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears. I somehow chocked out 3 different time and asked the tech, what are we looking at, is that her heart? After the 3rd time she finally answered very softly, yes that’s her chest. Carls hand that was holding mine this entire time, squeezed mine, I could no longer hold my tears back. She was gone, she lost the fight, the fluid was to much for her heart to keep beating through.

The tech left and then the Dr came in. He was the one that made sure the tech was right and tell us the bad news. The hardest part of the appt is when that Dr came in and turned up the sound. That sound used to have her heartbeat that was always 153. Now it was a complete flat line, which by far was worst then not seeing her heart beating, but hearing a flat line. I have no idea why he did that, but it was by far terrible. I can still hear that flat line sound.

We discussed previously if we came into an appt and she was no longer here, we were going straight to labor and delivery. I typically brought an extra change of clothes with me, this time I didn't. I didn't think this was going to happen, she was just moving for me not even 8 hours before. Carl and I believe that what we felt the following night was her, her passing away, her giving me a remembrance and Carl the gift of feeling her atleast one time.

We walked down the halls to go into our room to deliver our baby, our baby that was no longer alive.