Addison Faith Knowlton was born, March 17, 2012

Typically on March 17th is a fun day, its St. Pattys day! I being Irish this day is particular fun just because I have excuse to have fun, go out and have some green beer. Well March 17 will no longer be a fun day for me. It will be a day I will celebrate the birth of my daughter but the death of her as well.

It was very a long process to start inducing labor. We were in our hospital room on March 16th by 10 am. We didn't start inducing labor until 3pm that day. It was very surreal for me. Social workers, doctors and nurses were in and out of my room throughout the day. All of them showing their sympathy on the loss of our daughter. My husband was by my side never leaving it the entire time.

The weather that week was particular off for Michigan. Typically March is still cold with snow at that time. That day and for the rest of the week it was in the 80's, sunny and warm.

Contractions started to get stronger by the middle of the night and by 3 am I needed an epidural. That helped enough I could try to rest more. I barley slept, mostly cried all night. It was a simple labor; there was no monitor on my belly detecting the babies’ heartbeat. No real process or urgency to fastly start labor, there were no real risks.  A new nurse or a new doctor would come in for their new shift, thankfully all of them knew before coming into the room about our situation.

Around 9 is when I was ready to start pushing. Brent was born as a true emergency c-section; they knocked me out for him. Addison I was able to do a VBAC, and I am so happy I was able to experience that. My nurses don’t know her name but I remember what she looked like, was amazing. She helped me through the whole process, and I don't think I could have done it without her.

Addison Faith was born around 10 am on Friday March 17, 2012. She came into this world, silent, never taking her first breath. I never heard her cry or never say what her eyes looked like.

They took her right away, to clean and wrap her up. This is something I asked for before she was born. I wanted the nurses to clean her up and wrap her before I actually saw and held her.

She only weighed 1 pd 14.7 ounces and was 12 3/4 inches long. She was very tiny, but with the swelling from the fluid she looked big for a 28 week old baby. When they brought her in, I was so nervous on what she was going to look like.

Then, the nurse handed her to me. She was perfect, tiny but perfect. She had a tiny tiny little button nose, it was soo cute. Her mouth was very small as well. Her eyes I could tell would have been big and course blue, like all of us.

I only held her for a couple of hours before handing her over back to the nurse. I never said bye to her, which I regret. I wish I would have held her more and wish I could hold her just one more time today. I wish I would have bought her something so I could have gave it to Brent. There is so many regrets I have now looking back, but unfortunately during situations like this everything is not clear. I could never plan for the death of her. Your mind is everywhere and all you’re trying to do is survive that day, that day that I said hello and goodbye to my daughter.