I'm still standing.. barley, but I am

As many people know that Addison Faith has been born, and it's been a long time since I even looked at this.

This was intended to be for family and friends to let them know about updates on how everything was going with pregnancy. Unfortunately I could never tell anyone that I actually wrote this. It's not like I wanted to hide it, but I hid from the world during pregnancy. I didn't do much, I was depressed and I still was pregnant with a daughter with a poor diagnosis and me with complications of pregnancy.

I was hoping that this blog would be filled with pictures of Addison alive and doing well. Updates on improvements and milestones she would be getting to. But this blog will be about what I didn't write about during pregnancy and how I have been coping with the death of my daughter.

I like to say I am still standing proudly, but how can I say I am still standing proudly after the death of her? It's been a whirlwind of emotions "we" like to call a rollercoaster of emotions these last 5 months since her birth. The 1st month being a complete and utter blur. I was here somehow, but I was somewhere else. The world was moving all around me, but there I was standing in the middle, standing still.

I was angry, oh man I was angry. I was angry at GOD, how could he do this to someone like me? I was a good Mother to my son Brent, of course we all have our moments, but I was a good Mother. He has the higher strength then all of us; he could have answered my millions of prayers that I prayed all day long. Why didn't he answer them? I didn't care if she was going to be born with any type of disabilities. No matter how many doctors appts we had or how many ups and downs we had, if she was here with me we would make it as a family.

I was mad at the doctors that they just pushed me to the side. I was mad they were so unwilling to help me or even try to help her. They are doctors I pay them, why wouldn't they do everything they could have done? Why didn't they try to drain the fluid or put shunts in her lungs that would drain the fluid? It's called trail and error, if it didn't work then at least we tried.

Then I was very mad and guilty of myself. Why didn't I push harder for the doctors to do something? Why did I just shake my head to them each and every time I asked for help? Like I agreed that nothing would help. How did I know, how did they know nothing would have helped if we didn't even try? This is something I am still struggling alot with 5 months later. I just wish I would have pushed them more, I know in the long run she still wouldn't be here with me, but I could sleep better at night.

It's true what any Mother that has experienced a loss will tell you, you loose your innonces when you loose a child. Everything you thought you knew, you don't know anymore and your very confused with everything. I have also been struggling with "who I am" since the loss of Addison. It's very confusing to explain, but I feel like I need to change my life in someway. Many times I have felt the urge to move, move out of state somewhere warm all the time. Like the warm weather will help with me somehow, make me happier again. I know it would be just running away from everything and in the end it's not a good idea.

I sometimes don't even recognize myself at times, how am I a mother of a daughter that isn't even here anymore? How have I survived this? I have no idea how I have survived this and I don't know how I will keep surviving this. All I can say is I am still here, I am still standing and I am surviving one day at a time.