Signs from my beautiful angel Addison

I once read from another Mothers blog you have to be open to seeing signs from your angel to actually start noticing them. In the last 2 weeks I have seen signs from my angel Addison.

My first was last week and I worked a later shift and was driving home around 8ish. While I am in my car by myself is when I almost feel the most helpless, and my thoughts of Addison and feelings of sadness will come over me. People that have seen me previously must think I am crazy because they are probably always seeing me cry in my car J Well at that time I was having my moment and thinking of Addison on how I wish it would be different, and she was here with me. I looked up and in the beautiful sunset of a purple and pink sky and saw two clouds that looked just like angel wings. It was beautiful and took my breath away. I knew then that is exactly what her wings looked like and that she was showing me a sign that she is always with me. That was one of the real first signs I have seen from her before.

Then just yesterday I visited my two cousins that both just recently welcomed their first babies. This was a very big step for me. Not because their were babies but my cousin had a beautiful daughter, her daughter was due just 2 days before my Addison's original due date. Which like any cousin would be, I was so excited to have our kids be the same age and grow up together. Then just weeks after our announcements of our new babies, my other cousin announced she was also pregnant. I was beyond excited; we were all going to have babies around the same age growing up together. Well you can see how hard this is for me, now. They have 2 beautiful babies and I am babyless with a beautiful angel in heaven. It's hard for me; even though I have my handsome son I was just so excited about all of us having babies together.

It's also took me a long time to get the courage to even go over to my cousins house that had the daughter that was due around the same time as my daughter. I look at her BIG beautiful chubby self and I know that is were my daughter should be. I should be seeing smiles from my daughter; I should be hearing her crying and babbling. But, I never will and it hurts its alot. I sometimes feel like almost a outcast now. It's hard to explain. I feel like I don't have a place with them, I am not part of the new baby group with them. It's a personally feeling only, nothing they have or ever will do to make me feel this way.

But, the visit was much better then I ever expected. I saw her and I felt calm not nervous anymore. How could I, this new chunky little baby was so sweet and I knew that my daughter would always be looking over her. My other cousin had a tiny little boy and for some reason I was not nervous seeing him. Maybe because he was a boy and the due date wasn't very close to Addison's. The visit was nice, shorter then I would like but that's what happens when you have a 3 year old son that is very busy and likes to TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH!!

I left there and here is that quiet car ride again. Just seeing the new babies, you can probably guess the tears were flowing. People again probably thought I was a crazy person if they saw me. It was one of those cries that literally gave me a headache; my heart was heavy, like an elephant was sitting on my chest.

We get home finally and the mail was on the counter, and there in a little package there was something for me. I noticed the return address and it said the Lil Angel Hankies. I knew immediately what was in it. Just 5 months prior, right after Addison was born I came across this website were a women makes hankies for Mothers that have lost a baby. It's completely free and she sows there name and the day they were born. I ordered this 5 months ago and honestly I completely forgot about it.

There it was finally. I opened it up and then the tears just started to fall. It is absolutely beautiful. Much more then I expected, her name and birthdate was in this little girl pink. I love it, its so simple but means so much to me. I have nothing with her name and birthdate on it.

This to me is a sign from her. I was having a hard day, missing her, and that was there when I got home. She's just letting me know that she is always here, all around me and she knows how much I love and miss her.