I wish this upon NO ONE!!

NO matter how bad of a person you are, what you have done wrong in your life, I wish this upon no one. Loosing a baby is a constant battle you live with everyday. I know with time, it will become bearable. But, with time it will never go away. The emptiness I feel in my heart won't ever be filled. The only way it will be filled is if Addison was here with me.

I sometimes think, I can not believe this has happened. Has this really happened to me? Will I ever wake up from this nightmare? There are literally split seconds during my day, where I forget, but within a split second I remember the nightmare I have been living with for the last 9 months.

September is the month I found out I was pregnant. We were trying, and we were excited to gain a new family member. By January my whole world was flipped upside down. All the dreams I had for this new little baby, were gone. Everything was dismissed, the chose I had to make were unfair to make. Was I going to do a funeral, was I going to bury or cremate her? Those are decisions you should never have to make for your child.  

She was suppose to complete our family. I always dreamed of having a boy and girl, that’s all I wanted. I wasn't asking for 6 children, I just wanted 2. I have 2 now, but one I will never hold, never kiss, never know. It's just not fair.

I wish this upon no one.

How "unfair" it is..

I have learned that life is so unfair at times. The things we want most are not here.

When I found out Addison had Fetal Hydrops I joined a group on Facebook with families that also had babies with fetal hydrops. This group to me is my 2nd family. They have always been there for me. They have never judged me on my ways of thinking. Also, unfortunately they know exactly what I have gone through and what is ahead of me through this journey. Each time another mother losses their baby, a piece of you breaks for them. Each time they leave a drs appt with no hope, were here to give them hope.

Each week we get more and more families join the group. Some are pregnant and just received the diagnosis of fetal hydrops. Some already have a living miracle that had it, then some already have lost there baby from this horrible thing. Each one of us know what that family has to endure, the pain of either going to countless doctor appts or the pain of loosing our child.

Each one of us what nothing more then to have our baby in our arms, alive and healthy. Each one of us didn't listen to the Drs when they suggested termination, because that 1% that they gave us is still a chance.

We are each others shoulders to cry on. When you think you can't handle it anymore, their there to listen and somehow always know the right thing to say. If you have never been our situation you, you will never understand. You should be thankful that you never will know what we live with everyday.

How life has been so unfair to many of us Mothers, I am thankful for my support group. Without them, I don't know where I would be. Without them, I don't think I would have survived these last 5 months. With them I know I will be able to find the new me. With them I am still standing through the loss of my daughter. 

Carrying to term with fatal diagnosis..

Carrying to term with fatal diagnosis is something I never thought I would have to make. We were giving two choices

1) Terminate for medical reasons
2) Carry to term despite fatal diagnosis

 We were giving 1 week to make this choice because at 21 weeks is when we were giving the diagnosis, and they do not terminate after 22 weeks. This was a very hard decision to make.

We choose to carry to term despite fatal diagnosis. We both knew that miracles can happen, and we were hoping our daughter would be our living miracle.

Carrying to term despite fatal diagnosis is a very hard thing to do. You go to countless Dr appts with them giving you no hope. You constantly researching for miracle stories, hoping to shed some light on what you know is the evitable. Honestly, carrying to term is not for everyone. I was very depressed, didn't eat, slept alot or hardly slept at all. Constantly worried about her, didn't know if she had a heartbeat at my next weekly heartbeat check. It was sooo hard to think that my daughter could have died at any moment, while I was still pregnant with her.

We never did a nursery for her. We urged people please don't buy her anything, because it would be too hard in the end if she did never come home. I constantly, constantly worried about her. I had hope, that's how I survived those 2 months, I held on to every success story out there.

In the end, she was no longer able to survive and she did pass away in my womb. BUT, never once have I regretted to keep carrying her.
Never once, did I think I should have terminated her in the end.
Never once, do I regret ever getting pregnant in the first place.
Never once, did I regret letting her choose her own faith
I am grateful each day that she was with me.
I am grateful she let me be her Mother.
I am grateful she let me give her a lifetime of love in such a short time.
I am grateful she CHOSE me as her Mother.

My Mom is a Survivor ~ One of my favorite poems

My Mom is a Survivor ~

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands upon the beach that never wash away... I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ... a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's open door, I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with my death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it's her way to survive. As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her... or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, talk to her... and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says... No matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.
By Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Signs from my beautiful angel Addison

I once read from another Mothers blog you have to be open to seeing signs from your angel to actually start noticing them. In the last 2 weeks I have seen signs from my angel Addison.

My first was last week and I worked a later shift and was driving home around 8ish. While I am in my car by myself is when I almost feel the most helpless, and my thoughts of Addison and feelings of sadness will come over me. People that have seen me previously must think I am crazy because they are probably always seeing me cry in my car J Well at that time I was having my moment and thinking of Addison on how I wish it would be different, and she was here with me. I looked up and in the beautiful sunset of a purple and pink sky and saw two clouds that looked just like angel wings. It was beautiful and took my breath away. I knew then that is exactly what her wings looked like and that she was showing me a sign that she is always with me. That was one of the real first signs I have seen from her before.

Then just yesterday I visited my two cousins that both just recently welcomed their first babies. This was a very big step for me. Not because their were babies but my cousin had a beautiful daughter, her daughter was due just 2 days before my Addison's original due date. Which like any cousin would be, I was so excited to have our kids be the same age and grow up together. Then just weeks after our announcements of our new babies, my other cousin announced she was also pregnant. I was beyond excited; we were all going to have babies around the same age growing up together. Well you can see how hard this is for me, now. They have 2 beautiful babies and I am babyless with a beautiful angel in heaven. It's hard for me; even though I have my handsome son I was just so excited about all of us having babies together.

It's also took me a long time to get the courage to even go over to my cousins house that had the daughter that was due around the same time as my daughter. I look at her BIG beautiful chubby self and I know that is were my daughter should be. I should be seeing smiles from my daughter; I should be hearing her crying and babbling. But, I never will and it hurts its alot. I sometimes feel like almost a outcast now. It's hard to explain. I feel like I don't have a place with them, I am not part of the new baby group with them. It's a personally feeling only, nothing they have or ever will do to make me feel this way.

But, the visit was much better then I ever expected. I saw her and I felt calm not nervous anymore. How could I, this new chunky little baby was so sweet and I knew that my daughter would always be looking over her. My other cousin had a tiny little boy and for some reason I was not nervous seeing him. Maybe because he was a boy and the due date wasn't very close to Addison's. The visit was nice, shorter then I would like but that's what happens when you have a 3 year old son that is very busy and likes to TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH!!

I left there and here is that quiet car ride again. Just seeing the new babies, you can probably guess the tears were flowing. People again probably thought I was a crazy person if they saw me. It was one of those cries that literally gave me a headache; my heart was heavy, like an elephant was sitting on my chest.

We get home finally and the mail was on the counter, and there in a little package there was something for me. I noticed the return address and it said the Lil Angel Hankies. I knew immediately what was in it. Just 5 months prior, right after Addison was born I came across this website were a women makes hankies for Mothers that have lost a baby. It's completely free and she sows there name and the day they were born. I ordered this 5 months ago and honestly I completely forgot about it.

There it was finally. I opened it up and then the tears just started to fall. It is absolutely beautiful. Much more then I expected, her name and birthdate was in this little girl pink. I love it, its so simple but means so much to me. I have nothing with her name and birthdate on it.

This to me is a sign from her. I was having a hard day, missing her, and that was there when I got home. She's just letting me know that she is always here, all around me and she knows how much I love and miss her.

I'm still standing.. barley, but I am

As many people know that Addison Faith has been born, and it's been a long time since I even looked at this.

This was intended to be for family and friends to let them know about updates on how everything was going with pregnancy. Unfortunately I could never tell anyone that I actually wrote this. It's not like I wanted to hide it, but I hid from the world during pregnancy. I didn't do much, I was depressed and I still was pregnant with a daughter with a poor diagnosis and me with complications of pregnancy.

I was hoping that this blog would be filled with pictures of Addison alive and doing well. Updates on improvements and milestones she would be getting to. But this blog will be about what I didn't write about during pregnancy and how I have been coping with the death of my daughter.

I like to say I am still standing proudly, but how can I say I am still standing proudly after the death of her? It's been a whirlwind of emotions "we" like to call a rollercoaster of emotions these last 5 months since her birth. The 1st month being a complete and utter blur. I was here somehow, but I was somewhere else. The world was moving all around me, but there I was standing in the middle, standing still.

I was angry, oh man I was angry. I was angry at GOD, how could he do this to someone like me? I was a good Mother to my son Brent, of course we all have our moments, but I was a good Mother. He has the higher strength then all of us; he could have answered my millions of prayers that I prayed all day long. Why didn't he answer them? I didn't care if she was going to be born with any type of disabilities. No matter how many doctors appts we had or how many ups and downs we had, if she was here with me we would make it as a family.

I was mad at the doctors that they just pushed me to the side. I was mad they were so unwilling to help me or even try to help her. They are doctors I pay them, why wouldn't they do everything they could have done? Why didn't they try to drain the fluid or put shunts in her lungs that would drain the fluid? It's called trail and error, if it didn't work then at least we tried.

Then I was very mad and guilty of myself. Why didn't I push harder for the doctors to do something? Why did I just shake my head to them each and every time I asked for help? Like I agreed that nothing would help. How did I know, how did they know nothing would have helped if we didn't even try? This is something I am still struggling alot with 5 months later. I just wish I would have pushed them more, I know in the long run she still wouldn't be here with me, but I could sleep better at night.

It's true what any Mother that has experienced a loss will tell you, you loose your innonces when you loose a child. Everything you thought you knew, you don't know anymore and your very confused with everything. I have also been struggling with "who I am" since the loss of Addison. It's very confusing to explain, but I feel like I need to change my life in someway. Many times I have felt the urge to move, move out of state somewhere warm all the time. Like the warm weather will help with me somehow, make me happier again. I know it would be just running away from everything and in the end it's not a good idea.

I sometimes don't even recognize myself at times, how am I a mother of a daughter that isn't even here anymore? How have I survived this? I have no idea how I have survived this and I don't know how I will keep surviving this. All I can say is I am still here, I am still standing and I am surviving one day at a time.