Everything happens for a reason

Just a year ago this was one of my biggest mottos, “everything happens for a reason”. Still to this day I will have times were I actually almost slip up and say it, then I catch myself. I used to believe in this, now I don't.

You know people will say this to me especially when it comes to my Addison. "You know it happened for a reason, she would of had to many problems. You don't want a kid with a disability" I know people don't always say the right things, especially when they have never been in my situation. BUT I will tell you I did want her, I didn't care what would have been wrong with her, and she was my daughter no matter what. Don't tell me what I would or wouldn't have wanted, especially if you actually know me. If you actually knew me very well, you would know I am not that type of person. I don't care what type of stares we would have gotten, I didn't care how much my life would have changed, she was created by us and I would and will love her no matter what.

I believe there is nothing in this entire world that is a good enough reason that Addison was taken from me. Out of all of the Mothers that do have angels we are the Mothers that should never live through this. Loosing a child is not a lesson learn is not a reason to change my life. I could have figured that out while holding her in my arms, while hearing her laugh.

I know Carl’s and I lives have changed since her. Yes, we are stronger then ever as a marriage. I believe we are both better parents to Brent, we recognize the little things in life. Most people don’t see the beauty in the littlest things, but we do. I look up at the sky every morning, looking for that one shiny star. I never did this before Addison; I never had a reason to. We understand how important spending time as a family is, and most people don’t understand. Material things are just something that is there, but love for a family is life worth living for.

Once again, there is NEVER a good enough reason on why I lost my Addison.

My whole life, without Addison

How am I able to do this everyday? How am I able to go throughout my day like nothing is wrong? Am I all alone in this journey?

It amazes me how much impact my little Addison has on me. It's amazing that I can think about her so much, even though she never took a breath of my air. My life, me, MYSELF is so different. Others might not notice it, but I do, I feel it. I walk around and if you passed me, you wouldn't have any idea that inside of me is broken, is empty. I have strength that no Mother should. I go throughout my day like anyone else. But, my days consist of constant thoughts of my daughter, and what should be. I have an angel all around me, she's here and one day I will be able to hold and kiss her. One day I will be able to look into her eyes and tell her how much I missed her. I have the rest of my life to miss her, to think about her to always wonder what it would be like to have her here with me.

My beautiful son Brent...

I have realized that I have never really talked about Brent, my son and our first born.

Brent was born on July 24, 2009. He weighed an even 8 lbs and was 21 1/2 inches long. He was born a true emergency c-section style, they knocked me right out. Main reason for all of that is his heart rate kept going down, and he just wasn't going to fit. I only pushed 3 times and then I was rushed into OR. Brent was born on his exact due date. I think its estimated only 7% of babies are born on their due dates.

Brent was my little chunky monkey. He had a triple chin and wow did that baby love to eat. I nursed him full time till 6 months and then part time till 9 months. I can truly say I am that weird Mom that loved nursing. That bond and the easiness of nursing is something I would never take back.

But since day one Brent has been my right hand man. He has always been a mommas boy, and still 3 years later he is still. He slept on me from the get go and we still have issues of him sleeping in our bed. He is one of the most cuddly kids I know. He loves to snuggle in bed with Mom and Dad on weekends. He loves his Papa (Carls Dad) so so much, they are little BFF's. Of course he loves Mas (Carls Mom) and my mom Nana. He can brighten anybody’s day up, with just a hug and a smile. Also he was such a morning kid, its crazy sometimes. As long as he isn't going to school ( a new issue) he is all smiles the second he wakes up.

I don't know were I would be without Brent. Brent is seriously my strength in life. I wouldn't have survived these last 6 months if it wasn't for him. He is my little best friend, and he knows more about me then honestly anyone does. He sees me cry almost everyday, and he's always by my side when were going through Addison's memory box that holds her blanket and pictures. He knows exactly who Addison is and knows he has a sister in heaven.

I sometimes believe Brent was given to me first for a purpose. When my arms are feeling empty because I don't have Addison, Brent is there to fill them. Brent is always there when I need him the most and I feel so blessed I have him. I would not change Brent for the world and I hope he knows how much I really love him...

Another Poem...

"I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair...

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No women deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a women who has lost a child."
(unknown)

Genetic Appt

Well yesterday we had our genetic counselor appt at UofM. I got into work and my anxiety was at all time high. I hardly ate, was very nervous and actually was shaking.

Well we walked back into the hospital that 6 months ago that day left, with empty arms. That day exactly 6 months ago was the hardest day of my life. I was wheel chaired out with just a memory box of my daughter. I remember the nurse hand on my shoulder telling me this is the hardest part, is leaving the hospital. I chocked back the tears and left the hospital, a day I will never forget.

Back to the appt....

Honestly the appt didn't really give me any new information. Addison had a form of Fetal Akinesia Sequence, which means a lack of movement in baby which in turn causes problems and abnormalities in the baby. (http://radiopaedia.org/articles/fetal-akinesia-sequence) So as I explained before, she had joint contractures, hydrops (fluid around heart, lungs, under her skin and eventually in her belly), little movement not only from her limbs but breathing and swallowing which caused the polyhydramnios in me and IGUR. But of course there are about 350 different types of Fetal Akinesia Sequence (FAS) and alot of time babies don't have the same exact abnormalities. There are recessive gene testing that they can do for Carl and I. Which basically looks at our genes and see if were the carriers for a specific mutated gene that might cause a specific type of FAS? But this is not always genetic it could be just a complete fluke, something that happen during cell division. She was sick very early on, signs starting showing at 11 weeks with the cystic hygroma that she developed. But if it is genetic it gives us a 25% chance of recurrence. Then it gives a Brent or other children a 50% chance of being the carrier of the mutated gene. But both Mom and Dad have to have the specific mutated gene for it to be able to affect the baby. As for now we have to see if our insurance company will cover the gene testing, which will test 77 different type of genes that are similar to Addisons findings. Also because we never did an autopsy on her they were only going off the ultrasounds we had while pregnant still. Our hope it was a complete fluke which in recurrence is pretty much nothing. But because we don't know very much they couldn't even give us a percentage of it happening again in future pregnancies.

The appt overall was good the genetic counselor said "Addison was her name right" and I could feel my whole face light up. Alot of times Dr's won't refer a baby that died before by name, other then fetus or baby. So when they talked about her and were referring her by name it was so nice. It gave some more information to Carl on why Addison developed fetal hydrops, which I already new. I remember reading a quote one day "A worried Mom does more research then a FBI agent", and I can defiantly contend to that. I knew all the words she was referring to, at times I was completing her sentence, and I could tell she knew what I was talking about. I am overall happy I went to the appt just because YES there is recessive gene testing we can do. Also they were so helpful and willing to help as much as possible. They said to keep calling in if insurance doesn’t cover it because they foresee prices of gene testing to go from in the thousands to the hundreds with technology. The thing about our situation is that it is fairly rare in about 1 in 3000 births so it's something that doesn't get researched alot.

The Past

Just over a year ago I didn't know I was pregnant with my daughter yet. We were trying but we haven't received that positive test. I try to think about what my life was like then. I was a mother of a busy 2 year old son, and I had control over so many things. I was so unaware of things. I never ever thought in a million years that this would have happened to me, us.

I think of events like when we went to Las Vegas when I was 8 weeks pregnant, would I have still gone if I only knew? I was such a happy/nauseous pregnant mom, but I was so unaware.

The things I complained about before pregnancy and early stages of pregnancy are selfish. I was so selfish, wanting and needing. But, I am still in away selfish. I still want Addison and eventually a healthy baby. Is that really asking to much? Is that really being selfish?

We knew if Addison was born, and born alive she would have had some issues. The extent we wouldn't have known for awhile, but we knew our whole life would have changed. But, I was being selfish. I didn't care what was wrong with her. How many battles we would have to beat, I just wanted her. We talked of the many doctors appts that were foreseen in our future. We even talked about having to move to a house that would better suite her needs. This was to make her more comfortable.

We would have turned our life upside down for her. But instead my whole life is upside down. How do I pick up the pieces and gather them back together? Will I ever be able to?

6 Months ago...

6 Months ago around this time I was in labor getting ready to meet my beautiful daughter. There is not an hour in a day that I do not think about her. Or what should be... I miss her terribly and wish I could wake up from this terrible nightmare. Did I really loose her? Sometimes it feels like a figment of my imagination that she ever existed.
What would my life be like with my 3 month old daughter today? What would Brent be like as a big brother? 6 months later is just as hard as 5 months ago. The pain hasn't become any less; all it does is become manageable. You are able to manage when you have a complete breakdown.

I think one of the hardest things about a loss is what you remember but many don't. I know nobody but I will remember that today it has been 6 months since she was born. This day actually has been hard for me to anticipate. I have lived without Addison physically here for half a year. 6 months, is a long time. But I have my whole life to keep anticipated another milestone, next will be her 1 year angelversary..

Addison,
You already know how much I truly miss you. I am sorry you are not here with me physically, but I know you are always with me. I really wish things would have been different, and you were in my arms today. I have come to peace that no matter how much I wish I could have changed things, I am unable to. I walk out each morning when it's still dark out and to the left of me there is always beautiful shining star. I like to think it's you, shining down on me and saying Good Morning. Brent and I talk about you often and how he has a baby sister Addison. Last week Brent told me he loved and missed you and told me you were in heaven. Brent would have been a good big brother, of course some bullying but that's what older brothers are good for. Of course you would have been Daddies little girl. And my little dress up girl, with all the pink and purple girly outfits. We wanted you so badly Addison, you were the one that was suppose to complete our Knowlton family. I hope you know how much I love you, and how much I just want to hold you. I know one day we will be together again, forever. I love you Addison, and I hope your having fun playing with all the other angels in heaven.

Love always your Mommie...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ohhh the questions...

I often wonder how I will go my whole life without ever holding Addison again. I know, I know I will see her in heaven. But I am hoping heaven isn't any time soon. I still have a son that I absoutly adore..
But how will I go on, without her?
Will I not think about her every hour in a day?
Will eventually she start to fade from my mind?
Will I forget her? 
Will the pain ever go away?
Will the emptiness in my heart ever be filled?
Will I ever feel normal again?

I guess time will only tell..
I love you Addison..

The age difference..

We wanted and were eager to find out we were pregnant with our baby, one year ago this month. We always wanted our children to be close in age together. Also we always dreamed of a boy and a girl. My husband always thought our son would be the protector of his little sister. Personal experience my older brother was the one that was always beating me up =).. But we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant again, how perfect; they would be just 3 years apart!

Well now I am sitting here feeling like I have this huge pressure of thinking about a "rainbow" baby. I still don't want my kids 8 years apart, but I know I am not ready to try again. Also my husband and I always wanted to be done with our children by the age of 30. I know some people might think it's crazy but we want to be the younger parents and now at 27 I am confused. I think deep down if we have a healthy rainbow baby next time around, I might want another. But it's like do you test it again?

I am always the one when in crowded places picking out other families. I always like to see the children, and the age differences in their siblings. It breaks my heart when I see a brother around Brent's age and a baby sister. The interaction with them is what I wanted so badly for Brent and Addison. But I am also looking through that same crowd finding the much older brother and much younger sister. The interaction with them is what I have come to terms with on what my future will hold. It's typically a very sweet playing around, where the brother is the protector of their younger sibling. That does ease my heart knowing that Brent will be a great older brother to a sibling one day.

It's not only unfair to me I don't have my daughter but it is unfair to my son he doesn't have his sister. Life with 2 children wouldn't be easy, it would have its up and downs, but I would give anything to have her. I am not in the phase yet where I want another baby, I am still in the phase I want Addison. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. If I could stay pregnant with her forever, I would. It might sound odd to other people but she was safe with me. She was shielded by me, from this world that had no hope for her. I loved her, and still love her more then words could ever describe.

Wearing a stamp on my forehead..

When I look around at the world I used to have so much control over, I feel lost. I feel as if I am wearing a stamp on my forehead that says I had a daughter, but she died. I sometimes look at pictures of myself and don't even recognize the person I see anymore. I look at the pictures and I personally can see the sadness in my eyes. I see the emptiness that will never be filled. Can everyone else see this? I walk into a store and I feel like I could scream I have a daughter, but she died. It's like I always want to talk about her, but how can I when there are no new memories to share? All the memories are mostly heartache, sadness and pleading with God to let her come home with me one day. I guess in way she is home, her ashes are with me, but of course that is not what I wanted. Why is it I always want to talk about her, but nobody else does? She had 10 toes 10 fingers, 2 ears, 2 eyes, why does no one ask me about them? The whole world has moved on, and I am here "standing still" wishing I could wake up from this nightmare.

Ignorant People!

Sometimes it amazes me what people actually say to Mother's that have lost their babies. I was on my facebook earlier and another Mom that lost her baby was wanting to get a memory tattoo. She told a co-worker about it and the co-worker had a right to say "why would you name a dead baby" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I am sorry if that was me I would have bitch-slapped that girl. This makes me so angry that people think they can say something like this to a grieving mother!! You have never been on our shoes. You have never walked our path that we didn't choose. You have no right to say stupid things like that. You should be happy you have no idea what it is like to loose a baby. No matter how early or how late you lost your baby, it's still a loss. A loss is a loss... You still want that baby; you still had all these hopes and dreams for that baby. I am sooo lucky and blessed thus far in my journey I have not encountered dumb people like this. I have a great support from both family and friends. All of them read my posts on Facebook and all of them fully support the things I do to remember Addison. Some people might think its weird on how much I post or talk about Addison. I am ok with that, I am not doing it for them, I am doing if for myself. Yes, I have a memory tattoo of my daughter. Yes, I have a shadow box filled with things of Addison. Yes, I had Addison cremated. And Yes, I will keep doing things to remember Addison by.