7 Months today....

As I look at the calendar I see it's the 17th. Each month goes by and around the 17th my heart gets heavy again, and the pain comes to surface. Always around this time, it's a natural thing, something that I don't even notice until I notice the date.

It is unbelievably that I am still here 7 months later. The day I left the hospital with empty arms, was the worst day of my life. I honestly didn't think that I would survive. The pain in my heart was so intense that at times still, it's hard to breath. That pain is still there but it comes in waves. Tears are always with me, but some days are more painful then others.

I think about her just as much as any Mother would think about there child. My thoughts are much different though. I just wish I could just spend one more hour with her. Just to hold her again, to tell her how much I loved her.

The nurse took her away from me 7 months ago, and I never said goodbye, I never said I love you. There are so many regrets now 7 months later, that I wish I would have done differently after she was born.

Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day!

WOW, that's all I have to say. I love the fact when I went onto facebook I had people posting Addison's name. Seeing Addison's name each and every time always makes my heart skip a beat. The support, the understanding that these women have for me is so amazing. I could not imagine going through this 40 years ago, hiding my feelings. I don't hide my feelings, there displayed for the whole world to see. Many won't understand because they have never been through this. But, many sadly do understand exactly what it feels like to loose our child, our dream.

As I talked about yesterday Carl, and I are going onto a cruise. Well this cruise goes to 6 different Caribbean islands. Last week I was sitting and thinking some ways that lets them know that I am always thinking of their angels. It won't be no Christians Beach but when it gets closer to the date I will compel a list of angel names. I will write each one of their names in the sand by the beach, at different islands I go to. I am so excited to do this. I know what it is like to see Addison's name just written out, so I hope this will do the same for other families.

The perfection of these beautiful angels..

I think the most shocking thing to me would be how perfect these little beings actually are.

Before Addison was born I was so scared to see what she actually looked like. The first hospital who did my anatomy scan before we moved hospitals made Addison sound so deformed. She had a recessed chin, clubbed hands and feet, she was always in the same position. Then we moved hospitals and all they said one hand was in an odd position and her feet were clubbed, nothing else. That hospital did say she was severely swollen.

I was scared to hold her, I didn't know what to expect. But, when she was handed to me she looked so perfect. She did pass away before birth so the coloring of her skin was a deep cherry red, but other then that she was really perfect. My mother and I unwrapped her to see what the rest of her looked like. She was tucked in so sweetly in the fetal position, but it was just on hand that was almost tucked and one foot. She was swollen, but for how severe they kept telling me, it was hardly noticeable.

Sometimes I think that hurts just as much as not having her here with me. She was just so perfect. My husband and I made this beautiful daughter, and we were only able to show her loving grandparents. We have pictures of Addison but I am not comfortable showing people. I don’t know how they would react if they have never seen a baby that was an angel before being born.

But a story that comes to mind is the King Twins; these 2 beautiful little girls were conjoined and conjoined at the chest with nothing being able to save them. They were born alive and died in their parents arms, but they were perfect. The Mom shared some pictures of the girls and it's heartbreaking to see how perfect the girls were. Their fingers, toes, nose and eyes, just perfect.

I don't understand how God can make these perfect little babies and take them away in a blink of an eye.

A quote comes to mind "To beautiful for Earth".

Driving into work this morning..

On Monday and Thursdays my husband and I typically drive to work together. We do not work at the same place but we literally work down the street from each other. But, that all changes next week when I start my new job!! But anyways, we were driving to work this morning and we were talking about vacations and when we should take one with our son Brent. Brent is just 3 and we have debated for awhile about what is the perfect age. Carl and I don't take simple vacations typically. We have always taken pretty decent ones. Our next is this February a 7 day Caribbean cruise that leaves out of Puerto Rico. So when we take a vacation with Brent we want to make sure he will be old enough to remember because the cost of it.

Carl and I have recently started talking about when we should start trying for a new baby. I am just getting comfortable about it, but honestly still scared as hell. But, I actually talk about the subject now. With the new job starting and the better benefits we will have I want to be there ATLEAST a year before we think about a baby. I like to plan alot of things and trying to get pregnant is something we have always planned with our last two pregnancies. We also like to have summer babies. Brent is in July and Addison's should have been in June. The birthday parties are easier and funnier to plan, I know it’s weird. But this is something we like to do.

So, we were talking about the age difference that we are most likely looking at between our son now and if we would have another baby. It would be a little over 5 years. To me this is a huge gap but I know deep down the gap is going to be more then a blessing then anything. Brent, will be that big brother helping his little sibling out. As we were talking Carl says something like when Brent has his brother. I looked at him and I said “you think were going to have a boy next don't you?” Carl says “you know we are”, and I said “you know I think that will still be perfect”. Then Carl said “of course it will be but I still want a little daughter”. It just broke my heart when he said that. Because, technically he does have his little daughter, but it's not the same. Carl was over joyed when we found out we were having a daughter, deep down he wanted her to be tied around his finger. I forget at times that all my dreams were shattered after Addison was born but so was Carl's as well. I know he had all these dreams for her, the Daddy daughter dances in the future, the cuddly time with daddy and just having a daughter and now he might not ever know what its like to have a living daughter.  It just breaks my heart.

Future project!

Since Addison was born and actually before she was born I have found a amazing support through online groups. While pregnant I really leaned on my Babycenter group Carrying to term despite fatal/poor diagnosis and my facebook group Fetal Hydrops. I am still fairly active in my Fetal Hydrop group not so much my Babycenter group. But I have found other support with just articles from Still Standing Magazine and books, quotes and poems. While reading an article yesterday, one of my favorites I have realized these favorite articles won't always be so easy to access when I am in need of comfort.. There are also a lot of quotes and poems that almost speak to me, like something that came right out of my mouth. So while sitting at work today and thinking of my sweet Addison I decided I am going to do some kind of binder filled of these exact things. I want to have it filled with my favorite quotes, poems and articles and anything that makes me think of her. I am very excited to start this little project and can't wait to see in 20 years how much it has filled. Let's hope I will get the ball rolling on this and I don't procrastinate which I am so good at =)

Day 11- Supportive family and friends...

I would have to say my husband and son are my biggest supports since the loss of Addison. Brent is always there when I need him the most and always can put a smile on my face. Carl helps me when I am having a bad day and he understands how I feel.

Day 10- Symbol

Addison was born on St. Patricks Day, March 17th 2012. Both Carl and I are actually Irish. Carl has always had a tattoo of praying hands on chest, which was his first tattoo. It had no real meaning to him, and after about 10 years it started to fade and actually he really didn't like it. Carl had a great idea when I got my first tattoo of Addison's feet he wanted to somehow add a shamrock to his praying hands. So him and the tattoo artist deciding they would add the shamrock to the hands like it was holding it. We decided on the shamrock because a four leaf clover meant luck and our instance we didn't feel like it fit. So my symbol would be a shamrock.

I also wanted to add to my symbol. Before the initial bad ultrasound appt I knew exactly what I wanted to do Addison's room in. I wanted OWLS, they are so cute and wide eyed. I had decals ready to be on order that was a big tree with owls, butterflies and birds before our 19 week ultrasound. This actually makes me really sad because even before she passed I still always envisioned us doing her room one day, with her. We knew we didn't want to do anything before she was born, just in case. But how wonderful would it be to actually do the room with her. I would have special quotes of her being a miracle. I had it all planned out. As I type this it still hurts so much while the tears are falling that Addison will never have a room. She will have places in our house but she will never have a room. But everytime I see Owls I always think of her and all the dreams I had for her. 

This is one of the many decals I had picked out for her room.

Recent Interview

Last week I had a interview, which lately I have had many. I have been interviewing alot lately and the day of this interview I decided to actually read good responses to the same questions I keep getting asked. Well this question I was not prepared for and it showed.

The director asked me, "Personally or professionally what have you gone through in your past that made you look at everything differently, or made you open your eyes"? WOW, this knocked the wind right out of me. I could feel my face actually start to get flush and my heartbeat was a million miles a minute. Of course the first thing that popped in my head was the loss of Addison. My thoughts were racing and how I would even approach this answer. He could tell I have become very uncomfortable. Then I made the comment as "well I do have a personal experience but I am not sure if that's something I want to get into right now, so let me think of something else".

It was very hard for me to push away the thoughts of Addison and how she has changed my life in everyway. But for a first interview with someone you never meant before is something for personally and also he was a man. A women I actually might have been more comfortable with just because the sympathy would have been different then a mans.

I was finally able to think of some other answer which was true because it did change me, but it's nothing like the way Addison changed my life. I am happy to say I did get the job, which I am so excited for. I feel like a new chapter is starting to evolve and for the first time in almost a year I am excited to see what is in store.

How Brent has been doing since Addison

Brent is a very busy little boy. His memory astounds me sometimes, he can remember who got him what for Christmas last year or who has what at there house. I always wondered if the loss of Addison ever affected him. I came to realize last week it actually has.

Brent is smart but he does have a speech problem. It is not a surprise because I did as a child as well. I was in speech therapy until I was in 6th grade. So now because he is in preschool in the school system I can get free speech therapy, so last Friday we had his evaluation. We were talking about Brent had how he has had a hard time with the transition into school. Then his teacher made the comment Brent is always asking us if "You’re happy" and he is very concerned about it. I knew what they were talking about because this is Brent's new thing, if he notices or senses your upset he will keep asking you "are you happy"? I just made the comment to the teacher yeah he does that at home and I have no idea why he does that.

I left the evaluation and headed to work. While driving to work and thinking about what just happened and thinking about Addison, I realized why he asks "are you happy"?. Its been a long 9/10 months in our house. It all started in January when we were giving the fatal diagnosis and it has been an emotional rollercoaster. So, you can probably understand I have been crying almost everyday for the last 9/10 months. Well Brent likes to be by me ALL the time. So when Momma is having a little breakdown he is typically around me. So, Brent has seen me cry alot, alot. He has seen me very sad for so long that it actually concerns him or makes him anxious when he notices that I might be getting upset.

This breaks my heart. I love the fact that Brent is so intune into my emotions but really a 3 year old shouldn't see his Mommie cry so much. I also can't believe it took this long for me to notice it. I honestly felt that the loss of Addison didn't affect Brent, but now I know it actually has.

Day 9- Special Place

My special place would probably be St. Thomas. This is where Carl and I had our honeymoon almost 5 years ago. One day we will re-new our vows at this same exact location of this picture and that same day we will spread some of Addison's ashes in the ocean. I want it to be a special day and a day where Brent is there.

My thoughts over the weekend...

A couple of days ago I posted about the power of prayer and miracle babies. And I realized while talking with a girlfriend over the weekend I did have a prayer answered with Addison.

At our 19 week anatomy scan there were alot of abnormalities that they were finding in Addison. All of them being just almost cosmetic but with a group of them together typically means a syndrome or a chromosome abnormality. That was the first I have ever heard of Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18. Many of you that have been through a loss know exactly what those two abnormalities mean, fatal. Well I guess I have to say fatal in the doctor’s eyes. When they first mentioned those two issues and explained what they were I was devasted. Honestly, with the group of things that was going on with Addison it really did lean to those two problems. We did decide to get the amnio done.

Carl and I did talk about if it was one of those two problems we would talk about termination. We weren't set on actually doing that but it seemed like almost everyone did. We had to wait for 2 days to get the results back. Within those 2 days I found success stories of living beautiful babies with either Trisomy 13 or 18. I started to lean against termination. I knew deep down if I ever did that I would never forgive myself. I would always wonder the what if. But I am not sure if Carl was on the same page as me.

I prayed and prayed those 2 days for my results to come back negative. I wanted to keep Addison forever but I didn't want to decide when her life was going to end if she did have Trisomy 13 or 18. I prayed and asked God please don't let me make this decision. Please if she isn't suppose to live let it be something else, please don't let me make the decision. And my prayer was answered. My results came back negative and we never once thought about termination after that.

Yes, in the end she did pass but I didn't have to make the decision. She made it, and I am so blessed she stayed with me as long as she did. She really fought hard, being so sick for so long. She was stubborn like me, and strong willed like me. I wish all my other prayers were answered and I would have a beautiful daughter in my arms now, but I did have a prayer answered and I thank God for that.

Day 8- Jewelry

I do not have any jewelry yet that reminds me of Addison but I have been looking at necklaces that I can actually put her ashes in. So I took a picture of my wedding ring. My wedding ring reminds me everything of Addison and the heartache my husband and I have been living with since the loss of her. This wedding ring might look the same as the day I said "I do" but it’s so much more different. It has been with me through everything and my vows to my husband are stronger then they have ever been. I like to thank Addison for that, and thank her for showing me how good of a husband and father Carl is.

Day 7- What to say..

Hardest thing about a loss is no one brings them up.

Day 6- What not to say...

All the above are things I have heard since the loss of Addison. Even though I love to talk about her and love talking about her story, comments like these should never be said.

Day 5- Memorial

I knew the second Addison was born I wanted to do some kind memorial for her, a way to honor her. I have honestly always wanted a tattoo but I never really had a real reason to ink my body for the rest of my life. I picked the day very specifically to get my tattoo June 9th. June 9th was picked because that was Addison's original due date. Up to this point I kept thinking as each Friday came around that this Friday I should have been 36, 37, 38 weeks along. I knew this day would have been hard on me, because it's almost like a reality check of what isn't there. Luckily June 9th fell on a Saturday so it was a easy day to get a tattoo. I had a hard time choosing what exactly I wanted to do. My first instant was her feet print, just like they were a little faded in some place. But then I thought about a white tattoo with her name in the inside of my wrist. But, the tattoo artist told me with doing that the white ink doesn't always show up and it might look like you never even got a tattoo. I really wanted my tattoo my first tattoo to be able to be seen and a way to show off the honor of my daughter. So I went with my first thought and got her little tiny, imperfect feet on my shoulder.

Day 4- Most treasured Item

I had to think about this for awhile because there are alot of things of Addison that I treasure alot. But it just clicked in my head and honestly its Addison's sunset at Christen's beach. I have it underneath her memory box, on my screensaver at work and also have one in Brent's room. I love this picture, it is so beautiful and I can always smile at it when I see it every day.

Power of Prayer and Miracle babies..

Sometimes this subject will urke me. I love to see or hear a miracle story. There is nothing better to see a new post from one of my groups telling a miracle story of their newest baby. I never ever want anyone to loose their baby because I lost Addison. But it kinda of makes me upset when I see and read in their stories that because they prayed or because they went to church they were given a miracle.

First of all, I prayed so so hard for Addison to be born alive and one day come home with me. I prayed every single second I thought about her, I begged God to let her live. Maybe I didn't go to church but I believed that he was the one that could heal her and yes let her come home with me one day. So when I read miracle stories saying the power of prayer can heal babies really makes me upset. It's like I didn't do that, so thats why she isn't here anymore. I know most of these stories are not saying anything like that, but in my eyes I feel like I am judged.

I also do feel of twinge of jealousy. Why wasn't Addison a miracle? Why wasn't my prayer answered? Is it because I don't go to church, or because I don't have knowledge of the bible? If I did would she have been born alive? These are all the questions I have inside my little brain all the time.

Deep down inside for me to be able to handle each day without Addison I have to believe she was only meant for a short period. She chose me as a Mother even though she knew she was going to be an angel. I like to think she chose me because I showed a lifetime of love in just 28 weeks, and in turn she showed me a lifetime of love. I will forever miss Addison and love her with every inch of my myself.

Day Three-Self Portrait After Loss

I never took any pictures with Addison, so I have none that were of me right after her loss. But she was born on March 17th and this was taken on April 29th on my birthday. My wonderful husband got me a flower cake for my birthday. But at this point I was just starting to wear my makeup again and the crying was more manageable. I had alot of makeup on because I kept crying and smearing it off that day. This is a nice picture of me, but I don't like it. That's the person I see everyday and I feel so different now. I am not the person I used to be in my old pictures. Behind my eyes are heartache, guilt and anger. I didn't have that before.

Day 2- Capture Your Grief- Before Loss Portrait

This was me at 20 weeks pregnant with Addison. I already knew at this point that something was not going right with Addison. But this was right after our Amnio results all came back negative. I thought after hearing that the results were negative it was a girl we were in the clear. We knew things would have been wrong with her hands and feet because of the joint contractures. I really didn't think at this point (before hydrops were detected) that she would have died. Look how happy I am, my eyes, the way my eyes look will never look that way again.

The guilt of happiness

After Addison was born I felt very very guilty. I felt guilty because I felt that I didn't fight hard enough for her. I didn't make the Dr's actually do something. I felt guilty because I thought I was the one that actually made her so so sick. I could list a page full of things that made me feel that I was the one that caused all of her problems. That guilt I carried around with me for probably 3 or so months.

That guilt that I used to feel, that took over all of me is not so strong anymore. Yes, I still feel in a way guilty that I didn't push the Dr's more but I have come to peace with the fact that she was so sick for so long, that nothing would have helped. But now the guilt of feeling happy is here.

Yesterday, I was sitting at our dining room table coloring with my little guy Brent, and I felt happy. We had such a good day and it was Sunday and it was just a relaxing day, I felt happy. I was cutting strawberries probably half an hour later and while listening to my son and husband playing I thought to myself, wow I feel so happy right, I love my life. The second that popped in my head I felt guilty. How can I feel happy, I don't have my daughter? I felt so guilty for even thinking that I could be happy again it hasn't even been 7 months since I said goodbye to her.

The one thing I have learned about grieving is it likes to creep back up. When you think you have moved on from a different phase of grief it likes to creep back up on you. Feeling happy after a loss I know is something many of us Mothers do struggle with. We almost feel like we should constantly be living in this black hole of grief, guilt and heartache. But, in retrospect we all know our beautiful angels don't want us to feel this way. I like to think that Addison is always look down on us and smiling with joy when she sees us enjoying our family. I really hope it is true that she doesn't feel sad or misses us like we miss her. I know soon in my future when a feeling of happiness happens the feeling of guilt will no longer be beside it. I will instead feel a presence of Addison with us, also enjoying our happiness.