7 Months today....

As I look at the calendar I see it's the 17th. Each month goes by and around the 17th my heart gets heavy again, and the pain comes to surface. Always around this time, it's a natural thing, something that I don't even notice until I notice the date.

It is unbelievably that I am still here 7 months later. The day I left the hospital with empty arms, was the worst day of my life. I honestly didn't think that I would survive. The pain in my heart was so intense that at times still, it's hard to breath. That pain is still there but it comes in waves. Tears are always with me, but some days are more painful then others.

I think about her just as much as any Mother would think about there child. My thoughts are much different though. I just wish I could just spend one more hour with her. Just to hold her again, to tell her how much I loved her.

The nurse took her away from me 7 months ago, and I never said goodbye, I never said I love you. There are so many regrets now 7 months later, that I wish I would have done differently after she was born.

Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day!

WOW, that's all I have to say. I love the fact when I went onto facebook I had people posting Addison's name. Seeing Addison's name each and every time always makes my heart skip a beat. The support, the understanding that these women have for me is so amazing. I could not imagine going through this 40 years ago, hiding my feelings. I don't hide my feelings, there displayed for the whole world to see. Many won't understand because they have never been through this. But, many sadly do understand exactly what it feels like to loose our child, our dream.

As I talked about yesterday Carl, and I are going onto a cruise. Well this cruise goes to 6 different Caribbean islands. Last week I was sitting and thinking some ways that lets them know that I am always thinking of their angels. It won't be no Christians Beach but when it gets closer to the date I will compel a list of angel names. I will write each one of their names in the sand by the beach, at different islands I go to. I am so excited to do this. I know what it is like to see Addison's name just written out, so I hope this will do the same for other families.

The perfection of these beautiful angels..

I think the most shocking thing to me would be how perfect these little beings actually are.

Before Addison was born I was so scared to see what she actually looked like. The first hospital who did my anatomy scan before we moved hospitals made Addison sound so deformed. She had a recessed chin, clubbed hands and feet, she was always in the same position. Then we moved hospitals and all they said one hand was in an odd position and her feet were clubbed, nothing else. That hospital did say she was severely swollen.

I was scared to hold her, I didn't know what to expect. But, when she was handed to me she looked so perfect. She did pass away before birth so the coloring of her skin was a deep cherry red, but other then that she was really perfect. My mother and I unwrapped her to see what the rest of her looked like. She was tucked in so sweetly in the fetal position, but it was just on hand that was almost tucked and one foot. She was swollen, but for how severe they kept telling me, it was hardly noticeable.

Sometimes I think that hurts just as much as not having her here with me. She was just so perfect. My husband and I made this beautiful daughter, and we were only able to show her loving grandparents. We have pictures of Addison but I am not comfortable showing people. I don’t know how they would react if they have never seen a baby that was an angel before being born.

But a story that comes to mind is the King Twins; these 2 beautiful little girls were conjoined and conjoined at the chest with nothing being able to save them. They were born alive and died in their parents arms, but they were perfect. The Mom shared some pictures of the girls and it's heartbreaking to see how perfect the girls were. Their fingers, toes, nose and eyes, just perfect.

I don't understand how God can make these perfect little babies and take them away in a blink of an eye.

A quote comes to mind "To beautiful for Earth".

Driving into work this morning..

On Monday and Thursdays my husband and I typically drive to work together. We do not work at the same place but we literally work down the street from each other. But, that all changes next week when I start my new job!! But anyways, we were driving to work this morning and we were talking about vacations and when we should take one with our son Brent. Brent is just 3 and we have debated for awhile about what is the perfect age. Carl and I don't take simple vacations typically. We have always taken pretty decent ones. Our next is this February a 7 day Caribbean cruise that leaves out of Puerto Rico. So when we take a vacation with Brent we want to make sure he will be old enough to remember because the cost of it.

Carl and I have recently started talking about when we should start trying for a new baby. I am just getting comfortable about it, but honestly still scared as hell. But, I actually talk about the subject now. With the new job starting and the better benefits we will have I want to be there ATLEAST a year before we think about a baby. I like to plan alot of things and trying to get pregnant is something we have always planned with our last two pregnancies. We also like to have summer babies. Brent is in July and Addison's should have been in June. The birthday parties are easier and funnier to plan, I know it’s weird. But this is something we like to do.

So, we were talking about the age difference that we are most likely looking at between our son now and if we would have another baby. It would be a little over 5 years. To me this is a huge gap but I know deep down the gap is going to be more then a blessing then anything. Brent, will be that big brother helping his little sibling out. As we were talking Carl says something like when Brent has his brother. I looked at him and I said “you think were going to have a boy next don't you?” Carl says “you know we are”, and I said “you know I think that will still be perfect”. Then Carl said “of course it will be but I still want a little daughter”. It just broke my heart when he said that. Because, technically he does have his little daughter, but it's not the same. Carl was over joyed when we found out we were having a daughter, deep down he wanted her to be tied around his finger. I forget at times that all my dreams were shattered after Addison was born but so was Carl's as well. I know he had all these dreams for her, the Daddy daughter dances in the future, the cuddly time with daddy and just having a daughter and now he might not ever know what its like to have a living daughter.  It just breaks my heart.

Future project!

Since Addison was born and actually before she was born I have found a amazing support through online groups. While pregnant I really leaned on my Babycenter group Carrying to term despite fatal/poor diagnosis and my facebook group Fetal Hydrops. I am still fairly active in my Fetal Hydrop group not so much my Babycenter group. But I have found other support with just articles from Still Standing Magazine and books, quotes and poems. While reading an article yesterday, one of my favorites I have realized these favorite articles won't always be so easy to access when I am in need of comfort.. There are also a lot of quotes and poems that almost speak to me, like something that came right out of my mouth. So while sitting at work today and thinking of my sweet Addison I decided I am going to do some kind of binder filled of these exact things. I want to have it filled with my favorite quotes, poems and articles and anything that makes me think of her. I am very excited to start this little project and can't wait to see in 20 years how much it has filled. Let's hope I will get the ball rolling on this and I don't procrastinate which I am so good at =)

Day 11- Supportive family and friends...

I would have to say my husband and son are my biggest supports since the loss of Addison. Brent is always there when I need him the most and always can put a smile on my face. Carl helps me when I am having a bad day and he understands how I feel.

Day 10- Symbol

Addison was born on St. Patricks Day, March 17th 2012. Both Carl and I are actually Irish. Carl has always had a tattoo of praying hands on chest, which was his first tattoo. It had no real meaning to him, and after about 10 years it started to fade and actually he really didn't like it. Carl had a great idea when I got my first tattoo of Addison's feet he wanted to somehow add a shamrock to his praying hands. So him and the tattoo artist deciding they would add the shamrock to the hands like it was holding it. We decided on the shamrock because a four leaf clover meant luck and our instance we didn't feel like it fit. So my symbol would be a shamrock.

I also wanted to add to my symbol. Before the initial bad ultrasound appt I knew exactly what I wanted to do Addison's room in. I wanted OWLS, they are so cute and wide eyed. I had decals ready to be on order that was a big tree with owls, butterflies and birds before our 19 week ultrasound. This actually makes me really sad because even before she passed I still always envisioned us doing her room one day, with her. We knew we didn't want to do anything before she was born, just in case. But how wonderful would it be to actually do the room with her. I would have special quotes of her being a miracle. I had it all planned out. As I type this it still hurts so much while the tears are falling that Addison will never have a room. She will have places in our house but she will never have a room. But everytime I see Owls I always think of her and all the dreams I had for her. 

This is one of the many decals I had picked out for her room.