The age difference..

We wanted and were eager to find out we were pregnant with our baby, one year ago this month. We always wanted our children to be close in age together. Also we always dreamed of a boy and a girl. My husband always thought our son would be the protector of his little sister. Personal experience my older brother was the one that was always beating me up =).. But we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant again, how perfect; they would be just 3 years apart!

Well now I am sitting here feeling like I have this huge pressure of thinking about a "rainbow" baby. I still don't want my kids 8 years apart, but I know I am not ready to try again. Also my husband and I always wanted to be done with our children by the age of 30. I know some people might think it's crazy but we want to be the younger parents and now at 27 I am confused. I think deep down if we have a healthy rainbow baby next time around, I might want another. But it's like do you test it again?

I am always the one when in crowded places picking out other families. I always like to see the children, and the age differences in their siblings. It breaks my heart when I see a brother around Brent's age and a baby sister. The interaction with them is what I wanted so badly for Brent and Addison. But I am also looking through that same crowd finding the much older brother and much younger sister. The interaction with them is what I have come to terms with on what my future will hold. It's typically a very sweet playing around, where the brother is the protector of their younger sibling. That does ease my heart knowing that Brent will be a great older brother to a sibling one day.

It's not only unfair to me I don't have my daughter but it is unfair to my son he doesn't have his sister. Life with 2 children wouldn't be easy, it would have its up and downs, but I would give anything to have her. I am not in the phase yet where I want another baby, I am still in the phase I want Addison. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. If I could stay pregnant with her forever, I would. It might sound odd to other people but she was safe with me. She was shielded by me, from this world that had no hope for her. I loved her, and still love her more then words could ever describe.