Just over a year ago I didn't know I was pregnant with my daughter yet. We were trying but we haven't received that positive test. I try to think about what my life was like then. I was a mother of a busy 2 year old son, and I had control over so many things. I was so unaware of things. I never ever thought in a million years that this would have happened to me, us.
I think of events like when we went to Las Vegas
The things I complained about before pregnancy and early stages of pregnancy are selfish. I was so selfish, wanting and needing. But, I am still in away selfish. I still want Addison and eventually a healthy baby. Is that really asking to much? Is that really being selfish?
We knew if Addison was born, and born alive she would have had some issues. The extent we wouldn't have known for awhile, but we knew our whole life would have changed. But, I was being selfish. I didn't care what was wrong with her. How many battles we would have to beat, I just wanted her. We talked of the many doctors appts that were foreseen in our future. We even talked about having to move to a house that would better suite her needs. This was to make her more comfortable.
We would have turned our life upside down for her. But instead my whole life is upside down. How do I pick up the pieces and gather them back together? Will I ever be able to?
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