6 Months ago...

6 Months ago around this time I was in labor getting ready to meet my beautiful daughter. There is not an hour in a day that I do not think about her. Or what should be... I miss her terribly and wish I could wake up from this terrible nightmare. Did I really loose her? Sometimes it feels like a figment of my imagination that she ever existed.
What would my life be like with my 3 month old daughter today? What would Brent be like as a big brother? 6 months later is just as hard as 5 months ago. The pain hasn't become any less; all it does is become manageable. You are able to manage when you have a complete breakdown.

I think one of the hardest things about a loss is what you remember but many don't. I know nobody but I will remember that today it has been 6 months since she was born. This day actually has been hard for me to anticipate. I have lived without Addison physically here for half a year. 6 months, is a long time. But I have my whole life to keep anticipated another milestone, next will be her 1 year angelversary..

Addison,
You already know how much I truly miss you. I am sorry you are not here with me physically, but I know you are always with me. I really wish things would have been different, and you were in my arms today. I have come to peace that no matter how much I wish I could have changed things, I am unable to. I walk out each morning when it's still dark out and to the left of me there is always beautiful shining star. I like to think it's you, shining down on me and saying Good Morning. Brent and I talk about you often and how he has a baby sister Addison. Last week Brent told me he loved and missed you and told me you were in heaven. Brent would have been a good big brother, of course some bullying but that's what older brothers are good for. Of course you would have been Daddies little girl. And my little dress up girl, with all the pink and purple girly outfits. We wanted you so badly Addison, you were the one that was suppose to complete our Knowlton family. I hope you know how much I love you, and how much I just want to hold you. I know one day we will be together again, forever. I love you Addison, and I hope your having fun playing with all the other angels in heaven.

Love always your Mommie...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ohhh the questions...

I often wonder how I will go my whole life without ever holding Addison again. I know, I know I will see her in heaven. But I am hoping heaven isn't any time soon. I still have a son that I absoutly adore..
But how will I go on, without her?
Will I not think about her every hour in a day?
Will eventually she start to fade from my mind?
Will I forget her? 
Will the pain ever go away?
Will the emptiness in my heart ever be filled?
Will I ever feel normal again?

I guess time will only tell..
I love you Addison..

The age difference..

We wanted and were eager to find out we were pregnant with our baby, one year ago this month. We always wanted our children to be close in age together. Also we always dreamed of a boy and a girl. My husband always thought our son would be the protector of his little sister. Personal experience my older brother was the one that was always beating me up =).. But we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant again, how perfect; they would be just 3 years apart!

Well now I am sitting here feeling like I have this huge pressure of thinking about a "rainbow" baby. I still don't want my kids 8 years apart, but I know I am not ready to try again. Also my husband and I always wanted to be done with our children by the age of 30. I know some people might think it's crazy but we want to be the younger parents and now at 27 I am confused. I think deep down if we have a healthy rainbow baby next time around, I might want another. But it's like do you test it again?

I am always the one when in crowded places picking out other families. I always like to see the children, and the age differences in their siblings. It breaks my heart when I see a brother around Brent's age and a baby sister. The interaction with them is what I wanted so badly for Brent and Addison. But I am also looking through that same crowd finding the much older brother and much younger sister. The interaction with them is what I have come to terms with on what my future will hold. It's typically a very sweet playing around, where the brother is the protector of their younger sibling. That does ease my heart knowing that Brent will be a great older brother to a sibling one day.

It's not only unfair to me I don't have my daughter but it is unfair to my son he doesn't have his sister. Life with 2 children wouldn't be easy, it would have its up and downs, but I would give anything to have her. I am not in the phase yet where I want another baby, I am still in the phase I want Addison. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. If I could stay pregnant with her forever, I would. It might sound odd to other people but she was safe with me. She was shielded by me, from this world that had no hope for her. I loved her, and still love her more then words could ever describe.

Wearing a stamp on my forehead..

When I look around at the world I used to have so much control over, I feel lost. I feel as if I am wearing a stamp on my forehead that says I had a daughter, but she died. I sometimes look at pictures of myself and don't even recognize the person I see anymore. I look at the pictures and I personally can see the sadness in my eyes. I see the emptiness that will never be filled. Can everyone else see this? I walk into a store and I feel like I could scream I have a daughter, but she died. It's like I always want to talk about her, but how can I when there are no new memories to share? All the memories are mostly heartache, sadness and pleading with God to let her come home with me one day. I guess in way she is home, her ashes are with me, but of course that is not what I wanted. Why is it I always want to talk about her, but nobody else does? She had 10 toes 10 fingers, 2 ears, 2 eyes, why does no one ask me about them? The whole world has moved on, and I am here "standing still" wishing I could wake up from this nightmare.

Ignorant People!

Sometimes it amazes me what people actually say to Mother's that have lost their babies. I was on my facebook earlier and another Mom that lost her baby was wanting to get a memory tattoo. She told a co-worker about it and the co-worker had a right to say "why would you name a dead baby" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I am sorry if that was me I would have bitch-slapped that girl. This makes me so angry that people think they can say something like this to a grieving mother!! You have never been on our shoes. You have never walked our path that we didn't choose. You have no right to say stupid things like that. You should be happy you have no idea what it is like to loose a baby. No matter how early or how late you lost your baby, it's still a loss. A loss is a loss... You still want that baby; you still had all these hopes and dreams for that baby. I am sooo lucky and blessed thus far in my journey I have not encountered dumb people like this. I have a great support from both family and friends. All of them read my posts on Facebook and all of them fully support the things I do to remember Addison. Some people might think its weird on how much I post or talk about Addison. I am ok with that, I am not doing it for them, I am doing if for myself. Yes, I have a memory tattoo of my daughter. Yes, I have a shadow box filled with things of Addison. Yes, I had Addison cremated. And Yes, I will keep doing things to remember Addison by. 

I wish this upon NO ONE!!

NO matter how bad of a person you are, what you have done wrong in your life, I wish this upon no one. Loosing a baby is a constant battle you live with everyday. I know with time, it will become bearable. But, with time it will never go away. The emptiness I feel in my heart won't ever be filled. The only way it will be filled is if Addison was here with me.

I sometimes think, I can not believe this has happened. Has this really happened to me? Will I ever wake up from this nightmare? There are literally split seconds during my day, where I forget, but within a split second I remember the nightmare I have been living with for the last 9 months.

September is the month I found out I was pregnant. We were trying, and we were excited to gain a new family member. By January my whole world was flipped upside down. All the dreams I had for this new little baby, were gone. Everything was dismissed, the chose I had to make were unfair to make. Was I going to do a funeral, was I going to bury or cremate her? Those are decisions you should never have to make for your child.  

She was suppose to complete our family. I always dreamed of having a boy and girl, that’s all I wanted. I wasn't asking for 6 children, I just wanted 2. I have 2 now, but one I will never hold, never kiss, never know. It's just not fair.

I wish this upon no one.

How "unfair" it is..

I have learned that life is so unfair at times. The things we want most are not here.

When I found out Addison had Fetal Hydrops I joined a group on Facebook with families that also had babies with fetal hydrops. This group to me is my 2nd family. They have always been there for me. They have never judged me on my ways of thinking. Also, unfortunately they know exactly what I have gone through and what is ahead of me through this journey. Each time another mother losses their baby, a piece of you breaks for them. Each time they leave a drs appt with no hope, were here to give them hope.

Each week we get more and more families join the group. Some are pregnant and just received the diagnosis of fetal hydrops. Some already have a living miracle that had it, then some already have lost there baby from this horrible thing. Each one of us know what that family has to endure, the pain of either going to countless doctor appts or the pain of loosing our child.

Each one of us what nothing more then to have our baby in our arms, alive and healthy. Each one of us didn't listen to the Drs when they suggested termination, because that 1% that they gave us is still a chance.

We are each others shoulders to cry on. When you think you can't handle it anymore, their there to listen and somehow always know the right thing to say. If you have never been our situation you, you will never understand. You should be thankful that you never will know what we live with everyday.

How life has been so unfair to many of us Mothers, I am thankful for my support group. Without them, I don't know where I would be. Without them, I don't think I would have survived these last 5 months. With them I know I will be able to find the new me. With them I am still standing through the loss of my daughter.