Constant Reminders..

Like many of you know when I first found out that we were pregnant we were ecstatic  We changed so many things in our life for this newest edition. We knew we needed a bigger car. We got rid of my horrible little SUV and upgraded it to a Tahoe with a 3rd row. We needed that third row because our second row was going to be filled with 2 perfect kids. Now all I have is a empty spot in our car, where she should be at. After we purchased the Tahoe we realized that our sons toys were taking over the house. We needed more room, so we finished the basement. It was all done by my husband and his friend and took around 3 months but it was finished. We were so excited to add more toys to it, we were hoping it would be girl toys, we didn't know yet she was actually girl. Now I have a basement FILLED with these huge boy toys and not one girl toy. Addison will never have toys at our house, she will have things that remind us of her. I get into that SUV everyday to go to work. I always wonder how much different my life would be. I go downstairs each time laundry needs to be done or Brent wants to play, and I wonder how much my life would be different with her. She should be 5 months right now if she was born full term. Instead it will 8 months next week since she was born, sleeping. I have these constant reminders of what should be.. and what will never be..

and Life moves on....

It's been awhile since I literally had time to sit down and actually do some writing. With a new job and getting used to be a full time worker and Mom once again, I am exhausted. So far I am really enjoying the new job, position and challenges,  I am really missing my little man while at work though. I always say, I don't understand how I can miss him so much but the second I get home he can drive me crazy ;). It's amazing how such a little person like him can just make my day. I am truly thankful to have my little guy, right by my side.

Tomorrow marks a milestone in my husbands and I relationship  Amazingly we have been married for 5 years tomorrow. How fast has those five years have gone!! Plus it is not only our 5 year anniversary but that is the same exact day we started dated 10 years ago. Yes I was in highschool, and we were YOUNG, but I did marry my best friend, and again thankful to have him always by my side.

While trying to go to sleep and my mind was going a million miles a minute, I started to think where I was just 1 year ago today. I was pregnant,  with my sweet Addison. I would be just around the 10 week mark, slowly and anxiously trying to get past the first 12 weeks. I never knew how much scarier my life would be after that. I always thought once I past that mark, you were good, clear..

I just can't believe how much my life has changed in just 1 short year. I have lived through so much heartache I don't know how I have survived. 1 year ago I never ever thought I could give birth to such a beautiful daughter but within the same day hand her over and never hold her again.

My life is starting to move on. The new job keeps my mind very busy. I of course think of Addison all throughout the day but the tears have become less. I am at the weird spot of my life I feel. I started a new job where no one knows what I have gone through. When is the right time to bring it up? I really have been wanting to bring Addison's sunset picture in to work to have at my desk, but I am just not ready for the questions yet. It's weird how much I want to talk about her, but I feel like I need to shield her to. I know soon enough she will be brought up, and Addison will enter into a new person's life.


One day soon Addison's sunset will be set on my desk, but till then I have the reminder on my phone.

7 Months today....

As I look at the calendar I see it's the 17th. Each month goes by and around the 17th my heart gets heavy again, and the pain comes to surface. Always around this time, it's a natural thing, something that I don't even notice until I notice the date.

It is unbelievably that I am still here 7 months later. The day I left the hospital with empty arms, was the worst day of my life. I honestly didn't think that I would survive. The pain in my heart was so intense that at times still, it's hard to breath. That pain is still there but it comes in waves. Tears are always with me, but some days are more painful then others.

I think about her just as much as any Mother would think about there child. My thoughts are much different though. I just wish I could just spend one more hour with her. Just to hold her again, to tell her how much I loved her.

The nurse took her away from me 7 months ago, and I never said goodbye, I never said I love you. There are so many regrets now 7 months later, that I wish I would have done differently after she was born.

Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day!

WOW, that's all I have to say. I love the fact when I went onto facebook I had people posting Addison's name. Seeing Addison's name each and every time always makes my heart skip a beat. The support, the understanding that these women have for me is so amazing. I could not imagine going through this 40 years ago, hiding my feelings. I don't hide my feelings, there displayed for the whole world to see. Many won't understand because they have never been through this. But, many sadly do understand exactly what it feels like to loose our child, our dream.

As I talked about yesterday Carl, and I are going onto a cruise. Well this cruise goes to 6 different Caribbean islands. Last week I was sitting and thinking some ways that lets them know that I am always thinking of their angels. It won't be no Christians Beach but when it gets closer to the date I will compel a list of angel names. I will write each one of their names in the sand by the beach, at different islands I go to. I am so excited to do this. I know what it is like to see Addison's name just written out, so I hope this will do the same for other families.

The perfection of these beautiful angels..

I think the most shocking thing to me would be how perfect these little beings actually are.

Before Addison was born I was so scared to see what she actually looked like. The first hospital who did my anatomy scan before we moved hospitals made Addison sound so deformed. She had a recessed chin, clubbed hands and feet, she was always in the same position. Then we moved hospitals and all they said one hand was in an odd position and her feet were clubbed, nothing else. That hospital did say she was severely swollen.

I was scared to hold her, I didn't know what to expect. But, when she was handed to me she looked so perfect. She did pass away before birth so the coloring of her skin was a deep cherry red, but other then that she was really perfect. My mother and I unwrapped her to see what the rest of her looked like. She was tucked in so sweetly in the fetal position, but it was just on hand that was almost tucked and one foot. She was swollen, but for how severe they kept telling me, it was hardly noticeable.

Sometimes I think that hurts just as much as not having her here with me. She was just so perfect. My husband and I made this beautiful daughter, and we were only able to show her loving grandparents. We have pictures of Addison but I am not comfortable showing people. I don’t know how they would react if they have never seen a baby that was an angel before being born.

But a story that comes to mind is the King Twins; these 2 beautiful little girls were conjoined and conjoined at the chest with nothing being able to save them. They were born alive and died in their parents arms, but they were perfect. The Mom shared some pictures of the girls and it's heartbreaking to see how perfect the girls were. Their fingers, toes, nose and eyes, just perfect.

I don't understand how God can make these perfect little babies and take them away in a blink of an eye.

A quote comes to mind "To beautiful for Earth".

Driving into work this morning..

On Monday and Thursdays my husband and I typically drive to work together. We do not work at the same place but we literally work down the street from each other. But, that all changes next week when I start my new job!! But anyways, we were driving to work this morning and we were talking about vacations and when we should take one with our son Brent. Brent is just 3 and we have debated for awhile about what is the perfect age. Carl and I don't take simple vacations typically. We have always taken pretty decent ones. Our next is this February a 7 day Caribbean cruise that leaves out of Puerto Rico. So when we take a vacation with Brent we want to make sure he will be old enough to remember because the cost of it.

Carl and I have recently started talking about when we should start trying for a new baby. I am just getting comfortable about it, but honestly still scared as hell. But, I actually talk about the subject now. With the new job starting and the better benefits we will have I want to be there ATLEAST a year before we think about a baby. I like to plan alot of things and trying to get pregnant is something we have always planned with our last two pregnancies. We also like to have summer babies. Brent is in July and Addison's should have been in June. The birthday parties are easier and funnier to plan, I know it’s weird. But this is something we like to do.

So, we were talking about the age difference that we are most likely looking at between our son now and if we would have another baby. It would be a little over 5 years. To me this is a huge gap but I know deep down the gap is going to be more then a blessing then anything. Brent, will be that big brother helping his little sibling out. As we were talking Carl says something like when Brent has his brother. I looked at him and I said “you think were going to have a boy next don't you?” Carl says “you know we are”, and I said “you know I think that will still be perfect”. Then Carl said “of course it will be but I still want a little daughter”. It just broke my heart when he said that. Because, technically he does have his little daughter, but it's not the same. Carl was over joyed when we found out we were having a daughter, deep down he wanted her to be tied around his finger. I forget at times that all my dreams were shattered after Addison was born but so was Carl's as well. I know he had all these dreams for her, the Daddy daughter dances in the future, the cuddly time with daddy and just having a daughter and now he might not ever know what its like to have a living daughter.  It just breaks my heart.

Future project!

Since Addison was born and actually before she was born I have found a amazing support through online groups. While pregnant I really leaned on my Babycenter group Carrying to term despite fatal/poor diagnosis and my facebook group Fetal Hydrops. I am still fairly active in my Fetal Hydrop group not so much my Babycenter group. But I have found other support with just articles from Still Standing Magazine and books, quotes and poems. While reading an article yesterday, one of my favorites I have realized these favorite articles won't always be so easy to access when I am in need of comfort.. There are also a lot of quotes and poems that almost speak to me, like something that came right out of my mouth. So while sitting at work today and thinking of my sweet Addison I decided I am going to do some kind of binder filled of these exact things. I want to have it filled with my favorite quotes, poems and articles and anything that makes me think of her. I am very excited to start this little project and can't wait to see in 20 years how much it has filled. Let's hope I will get the ball rolling on this and I don't procrastinate which I am so good at =)