It's been awhile.....

It's been almost 3 months since I have came on here. Life has been busy, so much has happened.
First my sweet 89 year old grandpa died right after Thanksgiving. The thing about my grandpa dying is what he was telling people before he died. He was telling people that my Nana was in his room with him. He would have full conversation with her and she would tell him all about heaven and how he had nothing to be scared. But, she wasn't the only one in the room, often there were children in the room and particular always by his side was a little girl with blonde hair and a white dress with polka dots. She was always by his side and the other children were on the back of the room. The little girl by his bedside he said was my daughter Addison. The newest grandchild that entered into heaven. He would tell everyone she looked just like me.
Obvious reason this was a lot to take in. I was scared to ask him questions about her but I was also in a way angry. Maybe not so much angry but jealous? I never talked to him about Addison, honestly I didn't see him after she was born. I still tried to hide away and honestly a lot of the time I still do. Well I saw him on Thanksgiving and pretty much said goodbye to him because he died the next day. I told him I loved him and to give Addison a hug and kiss for me.
Then came Christmas, we did get Addison a stocking and actually my aunt made a tiny stocking for Addison. It said our little angel Addison. She also lost twins when she was younger but like many she never talks about it. Time has changed so much and I am so thankful for that because it would be so hard for me to never talk about her. Christmas was hard on me. I feel like I relive things a lot still. I kept thinking that this time last year I was pregnant and I didn't know yet Addison was sick. I was so excited to celebrate Christmas the following year because we were going to have 2 children. But, reality sinks in and all I have is a empty stocking, a dream that was ripped out of me.