The visit with my MFM

After we had our 12 week NT scan I knew we had to go see my MFM. She was the same person I transferred my care at 20 weeks with Addison. She knew my story, she knew who Addison was. I made a appt with her for 1 week later. That whole week before seeing my MFM it was a whirlwind of emotions. I was praying it would not be what Addison had because I knew that it would be once again fatal. I was praying it was some kind of mild heart condition or anything that would let this baby come home with me. I didn't care the disability or how many drs appts we had, I just wanted the baby to come home with me eventually.
I remember pulling into the hospital and all I was thinking was I can not believe I am here. I cant believe I am here again with a baby that is not healthy, why me?? Why me, again?
The tech started the exam. And on the big screen with much better technology was my baby. My sweet baby, that I was so excited to hold. My baby that I already made an entire life for in the short 13 weeks if its life.
The tech looked for the nucal fold, the one 1 week prior was a cystic hygroma measuring at 6.2. It was no longer their, it was thick but gone. She informed us if we would have came in today she would have not been worried about it at all, they would have not noticed anything wrong at that point.
Then she started to look for the other deformities that go with arthrogyposis. She started with its legs and feet. Right then an their I could see the legs were crossed and clearly clubbed. I was devastated to say the least. I confirmed with the tech for fact that was it's feet and its legs, and she said "yes". I confirmed with her again that for fact they were clubbed, and they were. Both feet looked like a hook, both very much curved. Then she went to it's hands and just like Addison they were both clubbed as well right over its heart.
At that point I knew this sweet baby I already made a life with would never come home with us. We watched to see if their was any movement, and other trunk with a bounce it did no movement from its hands, feet, arms or legs. She left and my MFM came in
She wanted to make sure that for a fact their was no movement. She wanted to do a ultrasound herself to really watch for movement. She did somekind of vibrating wand and I think this send some kind of waves to the baby to see if it would respond to the movement, and it didn't. But at the same time I could see it 3D on the TV. Their was our baby in 3D, both legs straight out crossed and clubbed and hands holding right over its chest, it looked so sweet. So little and so sweet right their, I wished I could have touched it and hold it.
The dr finished up her exam and led us to another room. I hate this room, this room is where the genetic counselor comes in and gives you this sad look and tries to give you information while trying to consoling at the same time. At this point I knew all the information they would give us, at this point we knew for a fact it was exactly what Addison had and for a fact its genetic. We talked about why doing genetic testing and autopsy would be important after the baby was born, to hopefully give us some more answers. We new that whatever kind this baby had it would be fatal just like Addison, we knew their would be nothing more we could do or try for the baby.
We had chooses again we had to make. Chooses that I hate I had to even think about. To carry the baby for as long as it let me or to medically terminate. Both are very hard chooses. I carried Addison for as long as she let me, and its very very difficult. After I had her I could understand why some people can't handle it. It caused extreme amount of stress before and after. I never knew if Addison was alive or dead, weekly heartbeat checks, late night anxiety attacks, not being able to get out of bed a really hard thing to do.
Let me tell you and to be honest with you, I was thinking to medically terminate. At this point in my life with a full-time job that I see a lot of people, with a very aware 6 year old and a active toddler I don't think I could handle this situation again. Not because it would be an inconvenience but because mentally and physically I don't think I would have handled it well.
We left the drs office just as confused and hurt as when I left with Addison.
That next morning I was getting my rainbow baby Iva her bubba I had a gush of bleeding. The baby in the end choose for me, I did not have to make that decision again.