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Hi my name is Heather. I have been married to my best friend since 11/03/2007. We have a healthy son Brent a angel daughter Addison, healthy rainbow Iva and a angel son Pierson. We are just a family that loves each other and tries to spend as much time together. We have learned from all of our past we appreciate the little things in life.

Monday, October 1, 2012

The guilt of happiness

After Addison was born I felt very very guilty. I felt guilty because I felt that I didn't fight hard enough for her. I didn't make the Dr's actually do something. I felt guilty because I thought I was the one that actually made her so so sick. I could list a page full of things that made me feel that I was the one that caused all of her problems. That guilt I carried around with me for probably 3 or so months.

That guilt that I used to feel, that took over all of me is not so strong anymore. Yes, I still feel in a way guilty that I didn't push the Dr's more but I have come to peace with the fact that she was so sick for so long, that nothing would have helped. But now the guilt of feeling happy is here.

Yesterday, I was sitting at our dining room table coloring with my little guy Brent, and I felt happy. We had such a good day and it was Sunday and it was just a relaxing day, I felt happy. I was cutting strawberries probably half an hour later and while listening to my son and husband playing I thought to myself, wow I feel so happy right, I love my life. The second that popped in my head I felt guilty. How can I feel happy, I don't have my daughter? I felt so guilty for even thinking that I could be happy again it hasn't even been 7 months since I said goodbye to her.

The one thing I have learned about grieving is it likes to creep back up. When you think you have moved on from a different phase of grief it likes to creep back up on you. Feeling happy after a loss I know is something many of us Mothers do struggle with. We almost feel like we should constantly be living in this black hole of grief, guilt and heartache. But, in retrospect we all know our beautiful angels don't want us to feel this way. I like to think that Addison is always look down on us and smiling with joy when she sees us enjoying our family. I really hope it is true that she doesn't feel sad or misses us like we miss her. I know soon in my future when a feeling of happiness happens the feeling of guilt will no longer be beside it. I will instead feel a presence of Addison with us, also enjoying our happiness.

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2 comments:

  1. KnottedFingersOctober 1, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    I promise it's ok to be happy. Being happy doesn't make you no longer grieving. Sometimes I go a month or two without feel sad. I miss Calypso but I can get through it. And just when I think I might be at the 'it's better' moment? It all comes crashing down and I'm left breathless with tears streaming down my face.

    Grief always has a way of creeping back in. Be it 6 months of 5 years later.

    I'm thinking of you and Addison today

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  2. Princess SarahOctober 1, 2012 at 1:08 PM

    The Journey we have taken in the loss of our babies is a long and tiresome road. It is rough and scary at times and then there are times it is smooth and lovely. Our grief is one that will always stow away in our lives. It will hide at times or it will show it's self and we will be sad. Enjoy the moments it stows it's self away....because it is helping you to heal that way. Losing a child changes a woman forever....you will never be the same....but you can be happy and grieve at the same time. It just takes time....embrace the happy times and in turn you will embrace the grief that losing Addison brings. Just because you are happy in life doesn't mean you loved her or miss her any less. It will take time and you take all you need. You are her Mother and no one can take that from you.

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